After a criminally short stay in Seville we hopped the train to Madrid – a quick 2.5hr ride. Our Airbnb was a small, brightly colored loft on a busy street downtown. The neighborhood felt urban and metropolitan – like downtown San Francisco. Our very friendly host gave us a quick explanation of the city’s highlights, we threw a load of laundry in the machine, and headed out to explore.

Madrid is a very walkable city. It felt really clean and regal, like Madrid was proud to be Madrid. We saw flamenco dancers performing in the street, a ton of super cute dogs, and happy people everywhere.

Our first stop was the Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofia, which was enormous and gorgeous. Housed in a beautiful 18th-century hospital with an $103M expansion added in 2005, the building is a cool mix of old and new. The museum features mostly 20th-century Spanish art with huge Dalí and Picasso collections. We spent a long time ogling Picasso’s Guernica which is fucking incredible. At 11′ tall and 26′ wide, the thing is MASSIVE. It’s beautifully presented in it’s own room, and just really, really impressive.  

We had dinner one night at Bosco de Lobos, a gorgeous modern restaurant tucked inside a garden hidden in the center of the city. We didn’t read about it online or anything, we were just walking down a side street, saw a cute garden, and poked our heads in. I love stumbling upon cool places like that – feels more special somehow. Our evening was so lovely I completely forgot to take pictures.

Jessie recommended we check out El Corte Ingles – an impressively thorough department store. This place has everything. It’s like Macy’s when Macy’s still gave a fuck. Floors upon floors of clothes, home goods, furniture, food, and everything in between. The top floor is a giant fancy food court filled with culinary options from around the world. We had some dim sum and took in the views from the roof terrace. After lunch we took the escalators down, stoping on every floor to marvel the endless shelves of goods. We picked up a UV filter for my camera, and a Space Pen for Patrick. Pretty successful afternoon stop.

On one of our explore-the-city-strolls we passed a really gorgeous hotel and thought “Ooo, is this some cool independent Spanish hotel?”. It was The Ritz. Of course. We decided to stop in to enjoy some afternoon tea in the garden. The garden was really fancy. Like, fancy fancy. Like, we shouldn’t have been allowed in. All the other guests were older, dignified vacationers, or very lucrative lifestyle bloggers photographing €27 Cobb salads. We enjoyed our €14 pot of tea (oops) and left to rejoin the real world. 

Retiro Park, or as the locals call it, Parque del Buen Retiro (which literally means “Park of the Pleasant Retreat”) is a goddamn delight. It’s about half the size of Manhattan’s Central Park but nearly three times as beautiful. Endless manicured lawns, fountains, sculptures, a man-made lake, amazing flowers and trees, galleries, and even a palace. I wanted to spend the whole afternoon exploring but my allergies were like “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THIS POLLEN WILL KILL YOU” so we regrettably had to leave. 

On our way out we swung by the Crystal Palace. It’s unbelievably stunning – truly straight out of a fairy tale. Unfortunately there was a modern art exhibit inside, which sounds cool but I wish it had been empty. While most probably appreciated the juxtaposition of the heavy modern assemblages contrasted against the effervescent palace walls, I found it intrusive. The building is art, it doesn’t need more art on top of it. Anyway, bla bla bla, whine whine whine, it was gorgeous. 

Here’s a fun fact: A “Maja” was a term for women in the lower classes of Spanish society, especially in Madrid, who distinguished themselves by their elaborate outfits and cheeky behavior. Sound like anyone you know? These “Majas” inspired Goya’s famous painting, “The Naked Maja”, which he painted in 1800 as a commission for Manuel Godoy, the young corrupt Prime Minister of Spain to add to his private collection of nudie paintings. What a creep. Now the painting hangs in the Prado Museum next to “The Clothed Maja”, an identical painting in every way, just with the addition of clothes.

So, naturally, we went to go check them out. The Prado Museum is GIANT (reminded me of the Met), slightly difficult to navigate, and houses a shocking number of classical masterpieces. We found the Majas after getting lost a few times, and they were pretty great. I snapped a really horrible iPhone pic and then got yelled at by the guards, so this is the only one I have. Tragic, I know.

We went for tapas at Casa Patas, a famous restaurant/flamenco club. We were planning on having dinner and then seeng the flamenco show, but my allergies were so bad we had to leave. No one likes a sneezy audience member. 

So, all in all, our time in Madrid was five stars, two thumbs up. It didn’t feel super touristy, and the parks were incredible. We’ll definitely be back.

We happily waved goodbye to Morocco and hopped onto our first Ryan Air flight. After hearing stories about how bare bones the airline was, I was pleasantly surprised – it was great. The plane was stripped down to the bare essentials and every square inch of wall space was plastered with advertising, but it was very clean, the service was great, and the flight was on time. We also paid $15 extra to sit in the second row of the plane (first on, first off, guaranteed spot for our carry-on’s, etc) so that may have influenced my opinion.

We landed in Seville and stood outside the airport just breathing in the cool air. After the stale heat of Morocco, the air in Seville was deliciously refreshing.

Seville was a pretty extreme but very welcome culture shock after Morocco. Most notably, women – suddenly they were everywhere. Beautiful, fashionable Spanish women, with long hair, juicy silhouettes, tight clothing, and endless confidence. This was in stark contrast to Morocco, where women kind of disappear from the picture. Hidden behind burkas, tucked away inside their homes, and in the very few advertisements featuring a woman wearing western style clothing, fully covered.

Our Airbnb was SUPER COOL. An architect’s live/work studio, complete with architectural models and a reference library. The vast collection of vintage Spanish architectural magazines were so fun to flip through.

In addition to being cool, the apartment was located in the old part of Seville which was perfect for us. We spent most of our time strolling through the tiny, winding, orange tree lined streets, sitting at outdoor cafes drinking rioja. Oh man, the rioja. After not drinking alcohol for weeks in Morocco, wine never tasted so good.

A few of our favorite places:

La Azotea – One of the best dinners we’ve had on the trip so far. Delicious food, served in an untraditional way. Beautifully plated. We had a bunch of tapas and delicious wine. We had a wonderful evening. The people watching was spectacular.

Maquila – Hip little brewery/bar with fantastic tapas. We slid in for an afternoon “snack” and four giant tapas and four glasses of beer later, we stumbled out happy and full. Great vibe, awesome staff, bright breezy interior. Great place to spend an afternoon and/or evening.

Seville Cathedral – Enormous gothic church containing the biggest altarpiece in the world and Christopher Columbus’ bones. As one of the largest Christian churches in the world, it’s pretty impressive.

Torch Coffee Roasters– Super cute coffee shop run by two sisters. After drinking exclusively mint tea for three weeks I wanted to make out with the perfect almond milk cortado they made me. Oddly, their only other location is in Raleigh, NC. Go figure.

Torre del Oro – Dodecagonal military watchtower built in 1220 (yeah, that’s not a typo) to control access via the river. Very cool little museum inside full of naval artifacts, and after a narrow, spiraling climb up the tower, you’re rewarded with spectacular views from the top.

We found Seville to be delightful, relaxing, beautiful, and charming. If you’re going to Spain, definitely take the time to visit.

After the magic and beauty of Cape Town we were struggling to decide on our next African destination. We considered Tanzania, Botswana, Kenya, but all either looked too similar (and possibly not as great as) Cape Town, or way too expensive. For example, good safaris in the Masai Mara are around $1000 usd/day. So instead of going somewhere and just hoping we’d love it, we decided to head to our next Must Visit destination: Morocco.

Surprise, surprise, the cheapest/least horrible way to get to Morocco was via Dubai on Emirates. There was an option to fly Etihad to Abu Dhabi, which I was seriously considering because I really want to check out the new Louvre Museum. Plus they have a Ferrari amusement park?! But the reviews for Etihad were really poor, and the fear of two potentially awful 10+ hour flights outweighed my desire to visit the museum. Another time, (fingers crossed).

The Plan

Based on my limited knowledge of Morocco I knew I wanted to: visit a spice market, ride a camel, climb a sand dune, and dine in a traditional Moroccan restaurant. We started doing some research and found the first and last desires could be accomplished in Marrakech, and the second and third could be found in the South, specifically the Sahara Desert. I found a 10-day tour of southern Morocco which included a camel ride, and an evening sleeping under the stars in a Saharan desert camp. Bingo. I signed us up, we bought tickets to Casablanca, and off we went.

Casablanca

I read Casablanca was pretty… boring. Everything kept redirecting me towards other Moroccan cities. “Casablanca is… yeah… hey what about Rabat!”. So we only spent two days there, enough to see the Hassan II Mosque (one of the most incredible buildings I have ever seen anywhere ever) and Rick’s Cafe (delightfully touristy). Other than those two gems the city felt really dull. We hopped on a 4 hour train to Marrakech and instantly felt the difference. Marrakech is alive with the endless hustle of the city. We spent four nights in a riad (a traditional home where all the rooms face in and center around a garden) in the medina (old town) surrounded by the souks (small shops selling spices, leather goods, clothes, shoes, light fixtures, blankets, jewelry, etc.).

Marrakech

We developed a love/hate relationship with Marrakech. The city is incredibly rich with color and culture – very visually stimulating. The gardens, palaces, mosques, tile work, and hospitality are all wonderful. But there were a few nagging detractors. For a country famous for it’s spices the food is oddly bland and repetitive. I don’t think I’ll want to eat couscous again for a very, very long time. As a woman, I received unwanted stares and comments, even though I stayed respectfully covered (shoulders, chest, and knees) at all times. After ignoring a man’s passing comments he yelled “We don’t hate women!” at me. Yeah, right. After the first day of this I started walking behind Patrick, my head down, avoiding eye contact. Not super comfortable. Motorbikes are the preferred method of transit in the medina, being the most equipped for handling the narrow, winding roads. However, the emissions standards are either not enforced or non-existent, because the air pollution they create is pretty intense.

We spent our days wandering the medina, poking our heads into restaurants, shops, and attractions. The main square, Jemaa el-Fnaa, was a wasteland of horrible tourist traps. It felt dirty and tired, and we only stayed for a few minutes. However, we did find a few gems:

Dar Yacout

Five star luxury restaurant in a traditional riad in the medina. Very hard to find, but once you do it feels like stepping into Arabian Nights. Lush fabrics, ornate lanterns, intricate tile work, mountains of pillows, live music, traditional outfits, and endless amounts of food and wine. A very quintessential Moroccan experience. 

Secret Garden

Riad Miski

We got to call this beautiful and traditional riad home for four luxurious nights. Despite being in the heart of the bustling medina, it’s amazingly quiet and calm. The staff was incredibly friendly and cooked us some of the best meals we had in Morocco. Really cool experience of what it’s like to live in Marrakech.

Roti D’or

At first glance, you wouldn’t suspect this tiny hole in the wall is the #3 restaurant in all of Marrakech. But once you get a taste of the delicious and impossibly inexpensive food, you are already planning your next visit back. We went two nights in a row, and enjoyed tacos (20 Dhs / $2 usd) and shwarma (25 Dhs / $2.50 usd) which both came with rice, french fries, and yummy sauces.

Photography Museum

Very hip little museum set in an old house where the steep and narrow staircases definitely aren’t up to code. Exhibits show old photos of the old town when it was just called “town”. Wonderful cafe on the roof with great views of the medina. Just watch your step on the tiny spiral staircase, it’s a neck-breaker.

Southern Tour

Once our four days passed, we were excited to hook up with our tour group. We joined 13 other travelers, from Australia, Canada and the US, ranging in ages from 19 to 70. It was awesome and exhausting. Here were the highlights:

Atlas Film Studio

Located in Ozzourarte, a local businessman opened this film studio in 1983 with a few conditions. The production companies were required to hire exclusively local labor to build the sets, and after the film wrapped the sets had to remain at the studio. This way, the studio can rake in the tourism bucks via snap-happy tourists like myself. The result? The sets are giant and incredible. We “traveled” to Egypt, China and Israel in the span of 30 minutes. Basically any movie that involves Egypt or ancient times has been shot here (Lawrence of Arabia, Gladiator, Babel, Game of Thrones, The Mummy, etc). There’s a delightfully amateurish drone video at the bottom of their homepage which gives you a nice flyover of the studio so you can get a sense of what’s there.

Essaouira

Super chill little beach town on the southern coast of Morocco. Has it’s own little medina which is way easier to handle than the giant one in Marrakech. If I went back to Morocco I would spend the entire time in Essaouira. 

Sahara Desert Camp

Hey you guys, the desert is hot. Like, really hot. It felt like someone was blasting a hairdryer in our faces and we couldn’t turn it off. The camp we stayed at looked like Jakku: dirty, dingy, dusty, and deserty. We climbed the sand dunes, drank uncomfortably warm water, and waited for the sun to go down. At night, we all dragged our cots out of the hot tents which had been baking in the sun all day, and slept under the stars. The starry sky (sans-light pollution) was so bright it was almost hard to go to sleep. One of the coolest experiences of my life.

Camel Ride

Super mixed feelings about this. Animals definitely don’t want to be climbed upon, so I kind of hate that I did this, but sitting on a camel, a good 8 feet off the ground, and feeling it move beneath you is in a very unique experience. 

We had tons of highs and lows in Morocco. I’m super glad we went, but I’m definitely not in a rush to go back. Overall pros and cons:

Pros

• gorgeous interior architecture
• beautiful gardens
• elements of surprise, tons of amazing sights hiding behind plain, ugly walls
• tons of intact history
• hospitality is on point
• mint tea like woah
• fairly inexpensive

Cons

• being a woman is uncomfortable
• old town is dirty and smelly
• getting lost in the Medina is inevitable
• lots of animal-abuse-as-tourist-attractions (ie, monkeys on chains, de-fanged snakes, etc)
• oddly bland and repetitive food (what are they doing with all those spices?!)
• water is undrinkable, can’t even use it to brush teeth
• tons of tourist scams which hinder visitor/local interactions
• HOT AF

After Rio our next stop was CAPE TOWN! I have been dreaming of going to Africa for years and was SO EXCITED my dreams were finally coming true! Everyone I know who has been to Cape Town barely made it back because they almost stayed because it was so incredible.

Turns out, flying from Rio to Cape Town is very $$$, and the cheapest, least horrible flight was on Emirates with a layover in Dubai. Wait, what? That’s like flying from Seattle to Los Angeles via New York. Let’s look at a map real quick.

Yeah, slight detour.

Anyway, since we were flying all the way to Dubai, and neither of us had been we decided to extend our layover from 8 hours to 32 hours, get a hotel room, and Experience Dubai!™

Dubai is ridiculous. It’s like Las Vegas without the sex, drugs, or alcohol. It’s just loaded with tons of money, insane shopping, and ludicrous buildings. For example, the Burj al Arab, the only 7-star hotel in the world. A “room” (the smallest is a 1,830 sqft two-floor suite) starts at ~$1,400 USD/night. A few of the many amenities include:

• a 24hr butler
• two private bars (upstairs and downstairs, duh)
• 14 types of pillows
• daily in-suite breakfast buffet
• full-size jacuzzi (not a tub like an actual jacuz)
• 5-head rain shower
• 21″ iMac
• super king bed “personalized to suit your specific posture preferences”
• professional wardrobe packing and unpacking (?)
• choice of 200+ international newspapers (how do they get them?)
• fruit baskets galore

It is the third tallest hotel in the world, stands on an artificial island, and is connected to the mainland by a private bridge. We obviously couldn’t afford to stay there, but we definitely wanted to visit. You can’t even step foot on the bridge unless you’re a guest of the hotel (there are serious guards and gates), or if you have a reservation at one of the hotel’s restaurants. We booked a table at the hotel’s Sky Bar for evening drinks. More on that later.

Our Hotel

We booked a room at the Hotel Kempinski – Mall of Emirates. They gave us a complementary quadruple upgrade from their basic room to a junior suite (!!) and everything was completely gorgeous. It was definitely the fanciest place we have stayed on the trip and the luxury was appreciated. They decked out our suite with flowers, a cake from their pastry chef, and comped everything in the mini bar. I was in heaven.

The next morning we went to the breakfast buffet which IS A THING. It was the most incredible buffet I have ever seen in my life. This place had everything. There were only three other people there so it felt really relaxing (buffets are normally hectic). We stayed for far too long and ate far too much but we wanted to try as much as we could.

Burj Khalifa

The number one attraction on our list was the Burj Khalifa, currently the tallest building in the world. Visitors may purchase a ticket to access the viewing floor at a specific time. When we got to the ticket desk everything was sold out, but the desk attendant said there was a small tour leaving in 5 minutes that we could join. A tour sounded awesome, so bought our tickets and were ushered into a small waiting room. A few minutes later I asked Patrick,

“Wait, were those tickets 100 dirham or 1,000 dirham?”

“100 dirham.” [glances at tickets] “Nope, 1,000 dirham.”

We paid $272 usd to see a building. Oops.

Well the views and the building were absolutely incredible. We spent about two hours exploring, taking in the views (inside and out) and laughing at the junk in the gift shop.

Malls

Dubai has the most insane shopping I’ve ever seen anywhere. It has a number of GIGANTIC malls containing every store imaginable from the highest of high end to the lowest of dollar stores. In addition to the retail the malls have celebrity chef restaurants and crazy entertainment. Our mall had an indoor ski slope complete with a chair lift and real penguins. If you’re thinking “It must be weird to see people wearing ski gear when it’s 100 degrees outside” you are correct.

The Sky Bar

We put on our nicest clothes and took a cab to the Burj al Arab. Driving across the bridge and approaching the building is impressive. The building is massive and slightly daunting.

The hotel lobby is OVER THE TOP. I was expecting a more subdued elegance but this place was an assault on the eyes. A mish-mash of bright colors, water features, retail, level changes, tons of over-designed furniture, and music was a bit overwhelming. It looked like the designer had gone to a Persian fabric store and said yes to everything.

The bar looked like a future-themed bar built in the 90’s. It was so odd. The cocktails were a teenage girl’s dream (they all tasted like candy and some even contained candy), and when Patrick ordered an Old Fashioned there was a lot of confusion. It was a fun experience, because it just felt so wacky. It was like a fancy-themed bar, but it wasn’t actually fancy.

Dubai felt like being in a future city on another planet. Great for an extended layover, but not as a destination.

We accidentally had a super short stay in Rio. We booked the 18th through the 21st. Four days, right? Nope. We left Buenos Aires the evening of the 18th but arrived the morning of the 19th, and flew out at 2am on the 21st. This means we were only on the ground for 48 hours. Oops.

So, we made the most out of the little time we had.

Monday, April 18

9:30p – Depart Buenos Aires 

Tuesday, April 19

12:20a – Land in Rio

The airport was empty, immigration a breeze, and cabs were plentiful. A+ late night airport experience. Astute observers will noticed that this was quite a long flight time for what should be a relatively short flight. Turns out there was a crazy storm and we had to route way around it, almost doubling our flight time.

1:30a –  Check into our hotel, and immediately go to bed

The Rio Summer Olympics are right around the corner, and to prepare, a bunch of giant new hotels were just built near the giant new Olympic Village. They’re super nice, and since all the Olympic hoopla hasn’t yet begun, they’re super empty, which means they’re super cheap! We scored a beautiful room in the brand new Hilton Barra. The amenities and service were outstanding.

10:00a – Breakfast time 

After a nice long sleep we hit the buffet and planned out the rest of our day.

12:00p – Hire a Guide

The very friendly bellman, Edwardo, helped us hire a driver for the day. He didn’t speak English, and we don’t speak Portuguese, so we communicated with lots of pointing, nodding, and smiles. He charged us $70BRL/hr (~$20USD/hr) to drive us wherever we wanted to go, hang out, and then drive us to next location. It was awesome.

1:00p – Christ the Redeemer

Our first stop, naturally, was Christ the Redeemer. Arguably the most popular tourist spot in Rio. The 125′ Art Deco statue is the perfect selfie bait. We sweated it out with hundreds of other tourists, climbing the stairs to the top and attempting the photo. With Arms Wide Open, the seminal Creed classic, played in my head the entire time. I bought an açai (the Brazilian superfruit) smoothie because when in Rome, right? Surprisingly, the ones in Hawaii are better.

3:00p – Sugarloaf Mountain

Next was Sugarloaf Mountain. Maybe the second most popular tourist attraction in Rio? It rises 1,299 ft above the harbor and via a series of two cable cars, you can check out some pretty fantastic views. The weather was perfect, super sunny and clear so we could see everything. We rushed our way through lunch (there were LOADS of bees) and quickly made our way back down the mountain.

5:00p – Sit in traffic

It took two hours to get home. The traffic in Rio is totally unpredictable, and since there is tons of Olympic prep road work going on, the streets are a mess. Also the driving is bonkers. The drivers are very assertive and alert, making four or sometimes five lanes where there are only three.

7:30p – Swim at the hotel

Back at the hotel I had the outdoor rooftop pool all to myself and enjoyed a nice pre-dinner lap swim under the stars. Not a bad way to unwind after a day of schlepping up and down various mountains.

8:30p – Chill dinner

We were totally pooped and decided to have dinner at our hotel. Our waiter Andre, a young local guy, was incredibly friendly and brought us all kinds of local snacks to try. “This one we eat at the beach!”, he explained, showing us the correct way to dip the light, crispy donut-shaped crackers into a bright cheese sauce. He said the bar could make “Any drink!”, so I ordered a martini with a twist. After about 30 seconds he proudly came rushing back with a martini with a twist, of lime. Oh boy. He stayed to make sure I enjoyed my first sip (“Delicious!”) before beaming and slightly bowing as he walked away.

Wednesday, April 20

10:00a Pack up and check out

We packed up, checked out, stashed our bags with our bud Edwardo, and took another victory lap through the breakfast buffet.

12:00p Olympic Village

Thoroughly sated with unidentifiable fruits and tiny pancakes, Edwardo hooked us up with another driver, Junior. He took us for a spin around the Olympic Village (we weren’t aloud to walk through due to the copious amount of construction). For being only a few months away, they look like they’re in pretty good shape. We’ll be those annoying people who’ll say “Actually, we’ve like, been there.”, when we’re watching the Olympics.

12:30p Parque Lage 

Next, Junior took us to Cafe Plage, a stunningly beautiful public park. In the middle of the park stands a gorgeous mansion, formerly the home of industrialist Enrique Lage and his wife, singer Gabriella Besanzoni. In the 1960s the land became a public park, with walking trails through the surrounding subtropical forest. Now an arts school and a café open to the public operate from the former mansion. Fun Fact: The mansion was notably featured in the 2003 music video for Snoop Dogg’s single “Beautiful.”

We enjoyed lunch in the atrium while observing the endless identical Instagram photoshoots occur by the pool. Fix the hair, pop the leg, turn slightly, angle the face, hand on the waist, smile and click!

4:30p Ipanema Beach

Duh. Of course we went. The beach was a beautiful endless strip of beachgoers and vendors, offering anything and everything you could possibly want. Beer, cachaça, fresh coconuts, snacks, beach chairs, souvenirs, bikinis, hats, everything. There were tons of people playing football, volleyball, and if that isn’t enough, footvolley, a locally invented sport that is, you guessed it, a combo of volleyball and football.

5:00p Sunset

We made our way to the end of the beach and climbed Arpador Hill, where locals and tourists come to watch the sunset. The rock was hot AF after baking in the sun all day, but we settled in and watched the sun dip behind the mountains. It was really, really lovely.

6:00p Melting

Next we walked over to Leblon, the fanciest neighborhood in Rio. It was uncomfortably hot, and I felt like my brain was starting to melt, so we sought refuge in an overly air conditioned restaurant. The only people there, we nibbled on the bread basket while drinking four bottles of water apiece. Feeling guilty for taking up space and not ordering anything other than water, Patrick ordered two beers, and once those had been taken care of, we boogied our way out of there.

8:00p The Fifties

After two failed cab attempts we finally found a cab who would take us to our hotel and accepted credit cards. Square, get your butt to Rio, STAT! After sitting in traffic for an hour, we were over it. We asked our driver to dump us at the nearby mall instead, so we could kill some time and wait for the traffic to die down. Patrick tried to buy the freshly-released MacBook at the Apple Store but they hadn’t received their shipment yet. Deflated, we did a lap and came across an American-style diner called The Fifties. It was like stumbling onto a Happy Days set and we loved it. Realizing it was dinner time, we sat down and enjoyed a slice of good old Americana.

10:00p Quick change

Traffic abated, we hopped a cap back to our hotel, and retrieved our bags. We set up camp in the lobby restroom, changing clothes, brushing teeth, and getting our bags organized for our giant flight ahead.

11:00p Deserted Airport

Junior came back to out hotel, and gave us a ride to the airport. We saw fireworks from the highway for Tiradentes’ Day, a local holiday, which made me miss Disneyland and my friends. We arrived at the airport, and walked though the empty departures hall until we reached the Emirates desk where there were 300 people waiting in the Economy line. Oh boy. But, since we’d checked in online and didn’t have any luggage to check, we were able to skip past and head straight through immigration and security. We sat at the gate for an hour, and then hopped onto our 777, lustfully walking past the business class thrones on our way to economy.

Thursday, April 21

2:05a Depart Rio, fly to Dubai

We really enjoyed our quick stint in Rio. The city is beautiful, lush, culturally rich, and very relaxing. And who knows, you may even spot us in some Olympics b-roll!

Our visit to Lima was short and sweet. We selected a hip little loft in Barranco, the “bohemian” neighborhood, to call home. Located South of the main city center, we found Barranco to be wonderfully relaxed and quiet, with tons of cute cafes and small shops.

We landed at the airport quite late, and after determining the taxi situation was a complete shit show, we called an Uber (Travis, you win again) to our Airbnb. Our adorable hosts (an anthropologist and an architect) welcomed us to the loft with a bottle of Malbec, tiny cakes, and little helpful handwritten notes (in English!) sprinkled throughout the space. 

We popped across the street to a wood-burning oven pizza restaurant, carbo loaded before bed (?) and then went home to pass out. 

In the morning Patrick hacked the TV to activate Netflix (!!!) and I spent the morning watching Pulp Fiction. I have a serious TV addiction, and after going FOUR WEEKS without watching TV I was in heaven. Finally we were like, ok we’re in a new city we should probably leave the house, so we walked down to the Barranco Beer Company. Patrick ordered one of the most giant focaccia sandwiches I have ever seen (it was delicious) while I munched on a salad (boring) and tried the beer sampler. I hate the taste of beer but I love the concept so I’m trying to teach myself to like it. Meanwhile Patrick is patiently teaching me about the different compositions of each type of beer (as far as I can tell they either have too much hops or not enough?) while I still think each type just tastes like… beer. 

We spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the neighborhood, ducking into shops and cafes to cool down. Oh, did I mention Lima was 90 degrees and super humid? As soon as I got out of the shower I would immediately start sweating again (sexy, I know). 

We went for an early dinner at Cala, oddly one of the only two restaurants on the water. Despite the BUMPIN bar downstairs (on a Monday?) the restaurant was DEAD so we scored a water-front table on their patio. We ordered Pisco Sours (apparently there’s some drama between Peru and Chile on who invented pisco) and they were okay. I haven’t had a Pisco Sour in a few years (I don’t love cocktails with raw egg whites) but I remember them being better. I had some delicious shrimpy ricey thing (I know you’re not supposed to eat shrimp abroad because they’re filled with the most ocean germs but I just love those little dudes so much I can’t help myself). 

Tuesday was touristy day, with the first stop at the San Francisco cathedral and catacombs. We scored an English speaking tour guide who lead us on a speedy walkthrough of the incredible cathedral. This place had everything; a beautiful historic library, hand-painted tiles imported from Italy, intricately tension-set carved wood ceilings, gold-leafed walls, and giant oil paintings hanging outside (they have to be restored every three months?!). We walked through the catacombs which were INSANE. This multi-level underground maze of graves, passageways, and massive pits connected via a system of tunnels was mind-blowing. I’d never seen anything like it. Recently, a team of archeologists collected the thousands of skeletons, sorted the bones, and arranged them into orderly designs. I guess seeing a bunch of piles of similar bones is less jarring than seeing piles of complete skeletons? But the idea of archeologists arguing over what type of pattern in which to layout the bones (“Chevron, no, spiral!”) makes me cringe. 

From there we walked to Plaza Mayor to check out the Government Palace and City Hall. The buildings were impressively beautiful and the palace guards wore very regal/silly uniforms like the guards at Buckingham Palace. 

Next, we sweated our way over to the Mercado Central, Lima’s largest market. It. Had. EVERYTHING. Every type of fruit, vegetable, fish, meat, cheese, pastry, juice, spice, grain, cooking utensil, plastic bag, pet food, party supply, and a ton of other stuff I’m forgetting. Walking up and down the narrow aisles I wanted to buy everything and so instead I bought nothing.

I settled into one of the busy little lunch stalls and had ceviche (fresh raw fish cured in citrus juice), aji de gallina (slightly spicy, creamy, yellow chicken stew served over rice and potatoes), and some VERY sweet, cold tea. I felt like a local, I was the only obvious tourist I could see, and my whole lunch was $5. 

We cabbed to Love Park, a beautiful art-filled spot with views of the ocean. We sat and  watched the paragliders fly over the ocean and debated whether or not we should take the plunge. We decided instead to get crepes at this impressively branded French crepe kiosk, and they were delicious. Every time I watch a crepe being made I still think of Amélie. 

After stuffing ourselves full of hot, delicious dough and cheese we walked along the waterfront down the Miraflores boulevard to Larcomar, a giant new development full of shopping and snacking. I was able to pick up a new pair of jeans (mine old ones were DONE) and we lazily explored the rest of the shops. After a long walk home we were very ready for a siesta. 

Dinner that night was a short walk away at the Sofa Cafe were we sampled local flavors like chicha morada (a sweet drink made from purple corn, pineapple, cinnamon, clove, and sugar) and lomo saltado (marinated strip steak stir fried with onions, tomatoes, peppers, served with fries and rice). After walking home we were ready to call it a night. 

The next morning Patrick woke up with a cold, so we decided to have a stay-at-home-day. We spent the day lounging around reading, trip planning, doing research (me) and coding (Patrick).

We ventured out in the afternoon to Molle, a bistro/cafe/flower shop/gelateria tour de force for some lunch. It was super cute and we would have loved to have gone back six more times. After, we walked down to Starbucks; the universally familiar oasis of air conditioning, good wifi, and Oprah chai. Once we were sufficiently chilled we went to MATE, Mario Testino’s photography museum in a beautifully restored classical mansion. The museum is a progression of tiny rooms featuring giant prints of his most famous photographs. Most impressive was the largest room at the end dedicated solely to his work with Princess Diana. The room also included one of her couture gowns. “She was so tall!”, Patrick exclaimed, standing next to the mannequin. Tall people always notice these things. She was 5’10”.

We got takeout for dinner and enjoyed a lazy night in, focused on Patrick kicking his cold. 

The next morning we packed up and headed to the airport. I loved our time in Lima, and would definitely return to see more of the city. Maybe when it’s a little bit colder. 🙂

I loved Bogotá. From the moment we walked out of the airport and were met with cool, clean subtropical air, I was like, “oh hell yeah.” Bogotá is huge. With a population of about 8.8 million people, New York City and Mexico City are the only North American cities larger than Bogotá. The old and and the new mix well together  with giant modern skyscrapers towering over century-old plazas. The city is lush, vibrant, accessible, and rich with culture.

We spent less than 72 hours in Bogotá, here’s what we did.

Saturday

1:30p Get in

After landing at the enormous new Bogotá airport (a huge change from the airplane hanger in Panama we flew out of) we hopped in a cab. Like most of the countries we’ve visited so far, everyone drives crazy. Most of the time one or more of the seat belts are missing, as if the driver was like, “What the hell are these weird straps for? Better get rid of these!”. We pulled into the Hilton Hotel (we were dying for a hot shower and it was only $70/night) along with a giant bus with a police escort that we deduced was transporting a soccer team. This meant there was 24/7 police presence (along with the cutest golden retriever bomb dogs) outside our hotel during our entire stay. The taxi driver tried to rip us off, we countered, and settled on $22,000 COP ($7 USD). The hotel was super nice, and we delightfully settled in.

3:30p Dos cervezas, por favor

We walked over to the Bogotá Beer Company, which was not easy. Due to the altitude (8,660 feet above sea level) it felt like we were walking through jello. Once we finally arrived we ordered some of their brews and snacks, but the bar felt very American/European, which was not really the experience we were looking for, so we were like BYE.

7:00p What is happening

After a very bumpy cab ride we got to Gaira Café, a giant, eclectic local restaurant/bar/Cumbia house. The decor was industrial shabby chic meets music paraphernalia explosion. We snagged a table on the wrap-around balcony right above the stage and enjoyed some Colombian fare and drinks. When I ordered a glass of wine our waitress looked at me like I had sixteen eyeballs. Either I had accidentally said something offensive in my rusty Spanish (very possible) or people just never order wine at Gaira. Patrick, smartly, stuck with beer. The music/show started around 9p and from that point on we had no idea what was happening. The show began with actors/singers dressed as doctors trying to pull sleepy ladies in pajamas up onto the stage. As far as we could tell the rest of the show consisted of singers (possibly impersonating local artists) trying to cure the sleepy ladies with their music. The house band was fantastic, the singers were like, too good, and the show was a rollercoaster of lights, costumes and music. The audience LOVED IT. They were on their feet dancing, buying bottle after bottle of alcohol, and singing along to the music. The energy was incredible. Bogotá definitely knows how to party.

Sunday

10:00a To market, to market

We munched our way through the hotel’s incredible breakfast buffet and headed up to Usaquen for the Sunday outdoor market. We grabbed some authentic Colombian coffees and walked through stall after stall of hand crafted art, jewelry, furniture, clothing, and local delicacies. I wanted to buy everything, so instead I bought nothing, and we continued on to explore the rest of the colorful neighborhood.

12:00p History lesson

We walked through the Colombian National Museum, the largest and oldest museum in Colombia. The building was built in 1832 and used as a prison, until it was adapted for the museum in 1948. It houses a collection of over 20,000 pieces of art and objects, ranging from artifacts dating back to 10,000 BC, to twentieth century local art. The building itself was incredible, and very much felt like walking through an old, beautiful prison.

1:30p We’re full, let’s order the pasta

We strolled one block over to Tabula, one of the most delicious and most beautiful restaurants I have ever experienced. Flavorful, simple, and fresh tapas, hand-painted plates, bright, open, and airy space with a giant living wall and beautiful dark wood furniture. It was like a Colombian version of Foreign Cinema (our favorite restaurant in San Francisco) and I didn’t want to leave. After enjoying a number of delicious dishes and completely satiated, the couple next to us received an unbelievable looking lasagna. So, we immediately ordered the pasta del día, a house made red linguine with roasted tomatoes and melted cheese. I wanted to take a bath in it.

3:00p Cheezels

We walked through the Chapinero neighborhood, full of narrow tree-lined streets and cute shops. We tried to check out Bourbon Coffee Roasters and Lapercha (a Colombian design store) but were disappointed to find they were both closed. Instead we wandered the aisles of a nearby supermarket (one of my favorite things to do in foreign cities) and laughed at all of the the funny snacks in their kooky packaging.

7:00p Netflix and chill

We had every intention of going out for dinner, but after more than two solid weeks of travel and restaurants, we just wanted to, like, chill. We took advantage of our fancy hotel and ordered room service for dinner (empanadas, ajiaco, and wine) and rented Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation on pay-per-view. It was heavenly.

Monday

10:00a Cheese and chocolate

I was overly excited to try my first traditional, Bogotá-style breakfast. La Puerta Falsa, celebrating it’s 200th birthday this year (!) is a tiny hole in the wall restaurant just off one of the most popular plazas in Bogotá. We got a Chocolate Completo which consists of almojabana (bread roll made with cuajada cheese and corn flower), pan con mantequilla (bread with butter), queso (a triangle of fresh cheese), and a cup of hot chocolate. You dunk everything (including the cheese) into the hot chocolate and it’s hot and creamy and chocolatey and delicious. We also got a a steaming hot tamale, wrapped in banana leaves with a chicken leg tucked in the middle. Breakfast for two, $15,000 COP ($5 USD).

11:00a Oldies

We spent the rest of the morning exploring Plaza Bolivar, a very popular square surrounded by four architectural highlights: the neoclassical houses of congress, city hall, the supreme court, and Cathedral Primada. Locals were selling bags of corn to feed/throw at the pigeons, kids were running everywhere, tourists were taking selfies with the monuments, the place was hopping.

12:00p Fatties 

We wandered up to Museo Botero, home of the collection of Fernando Botero, Colombia’s most famous visual artist. We uncultured morons described the paintings as “portraits of Augustus Gloop’s relatives”.

1:00p FUNicular

Bogotá is home to Monserrate, a mountain that dominates the city center. It rises to 10,341 feet above sea level, where there is, of course, a church. You can either walk up, yeah right, or choose between the 87 year old funicular or the 63 year old gondola. We chose both; funicular up, gondola down. Both rides were smooth, quick, and scenic as hell. The view from the top was breathtaking (there is hardly any air up there), the church was massive, and there was a sizable market of vendors selling tchotchkes and snacks. It felt otherworldly.

3:00p Oh well

With our feet solidly back at a less-insane elevation, we went to check out some local shops, cafes, and museums. Every single one was closed for the holiday weekend (major bummer) so we wandered around and eventually went back to our hotel.

6:30p Early bird special

Now that we’re an old married couple we like to eat dinner early. We walked over to Club Colombia, a highly-rated restaurant in an old two story mansion. The lavishly over designed interior was starkly contrasted with a simple outdoor patio (where we sat). Despite having tons of waiters, the service was laughably awful, but the food was pretty solid. We grabbed a tres leches cake to go (not as good as yours, Elliott, if you’re reading this) and headed back to our hotel for another nice early evening.

Monday

1:00p Ship out

After a leisurely morning and another spin through the buffet (seriously, it was amazing), we packed up and headed back to the airport. We definitely felt like we would have enjoyed another few days in Bogotá, especially since so many things were closed. We had a wonderful visit, and I’m looking forward to hopefully returning.

Oh, and one of my most favorite things? This guy’s dedication to cake protection.